The Iliad With Zombies
by Parodyish
Summary: Because zombies make everything better. There's no other reason for this madness.
1. Act I

**Author's Note  
**

Originally written by White Rabbit Asylum with some occasional inputs from Riddell Lee. There are several shout-outs to _A Very Potter Musical_, and old flash _Lord of the Rings_ parodies. And it's written in script because there was actually an attempt to film it-which completely failed to happen. So, it's the Iliad with Zombies, because zombies make everything better. And sadly, the story is on indefinite hiatus. Please enjoy.

Warning: Swearing, graphic images, and bad Greek jokes

Act I, Scene One

* * *

_(Setting: The fifth year of the... modern day Trojan War. Yes, that's a contradiction. No, it's not going to change for the sake of accuracy. Somewhere Homer is turning in his grave... Anyway. In the Underworld (or, you know, Riddell's basement) things are pretty boring. Hades is lounging around in a comfortable-looking chair. He is either very bored or very annoyed.)_

**Hades:** "Persephone!"

**Persephone:** _(walking up)_ "Yes?"

**Hades: **_(long pause, then gestures)_ "...How long have those clothes been on the floor?"

**Persephone:** "I don't know, an hour or so. I just put them there for now."

**Hades: **"Are you going to put them away? Or fold them? What's your plan here?"

**Persephone:** "I'll get to it eventually."

**Hades: **"Eventually?"

**Persephone:** "I've just... it's just that I've been kind of down lately... maybe if you would let me see the sunlight for a little while, I might be able to work faster—"

**Hades:** "No!" _(getting to his feet)_ "Now, as the Lord of the Underworld, I command you to at least... FOLD them, or something!"

_(__Persephone, cringing, hurries to fold the clothe_s.)

**Hades:** (after a moment, calming his mind, calmly speaks again) "You know, I've been thinking..."

**Persephone:** "Usually in my nightmares, this is the point where I try to run and can't..."

**Hades:** "Does the underworld seem a little crowded to you?"

**Persephone:** "What do you mean?"

**Hades: **"There just…seems to be a serious overpopulation problem going on right now. The pool's always crowded... and the younger souls are always playing that 'music'... What the hell is a Soulja Boy, anyway?!"

**Persephone: **_(absently)_ "I think it's some kind of vegetable."

**Hades:** "And they're singing about it?"

**Persephone:** "You know, there wouldn't be overcrowding down if your brothers and sisters weren't keeping that war going."

**Hades:** "Ah, yes..." _(Taps his fingertips together, expression growing cold, a hint of disgust as he speaks his brothers name) _"Zeus... I mean, just because he saved us all from the stomach of my father, now he thinks that he can walk all over me! I'm the only god who doesn't live on Mount Olympus! But he doesn't know... I have an excellent plan... and evil plan…" _(Camera zooms in dramatically with the next lines)_ "The One Plan to Rule them all… Oh, he will RUE THE DAY—"

**Persephone:** _(killing the dramatic moment) _"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up - you literally kidnapped me and forced me to live in the dank gloom of the Underworld... and you're complaining that your brother is mean to you? You think you're having a tough day? Hah! I'm having a tough life!"

**Hades: **"..." _(slightly tearful)_ "Well it's not fair! I'm older!"

**Persephone: **_(sighs)_ "Look, if you're really so bent out of shape about this overcrowding thing, you could... you know…just talk to Zeus and ask him if maybe he could put a stop to the war..."

**Hades:** "You know, I make fun of you, but every once in a while, you have a wonderful idea. I can FORCE Zeus to put an end to the war!"

**Persephone: **"...That's not exactly... You know what? Never mind." _(she goes back to folding clothes)_

**Hades:** "But how to go about it... there's not really much I can do from down here. I need a plan." _(camera zooms in theatrically)_ "The One Plan to rule them all…" _(reverting to normal, thoughtfully)_ "The only thing I really have control over is the ebb and flow of the River Styx… River Styx… that's an idea! If I get Charon to stop letting souls in, then they'll back up on earth, and Zeus will have no choice but to end the war! Brilliant! Genius! Astonishing! Extraordinary! Wouldn't you agree, Persephone?!"

(_Persephone just continues folding clothes, not looking up.)_

**Hades:** "...Persephone?"

**Persephone: **"Hmm?" _(looks up) _"...Oh, I'm sorry, Hades. I didn't realize you had stopped talking."

* * *

Act I, Scene Two

* * *

(_Setting: the Greek camp. It's after sunset, and a three soldiers sit around a campfire. Two of them are slouched over, looking ultimately bored, but one is fidgeting slightly, as if he's looking around for a topic of conversation.__)_

**Pandorus:** _(who has been fidgeting)_ "...Did I ever tell you guys about that Trojan I killed the other day?"

**Diomedes:** _(exhausted)_ "Yes, Pandorus. You told us loudly, and often."

**Pandorus:** "...But did I show you?"

**Odysseus:** "What the hell are you talking about?"

**Pandorus:** "Good question."

(_He stands, leaves the screen for a moment, and returns... dragging a bloodied body with him.__)_

**Diomedes:** _(instantly straightening up)_ "Dude!"

**Odysseus:** "Whoa! Whoa! That is not cool!"

**Pandorus:** "This is totally cool! I mean, look how well-persevered he is!"

**Diomedes:** "Are you kidding me right now? I mean, that's... that's a dead body. We're just having a conversation, and you drag out a body?"

**Odysseus:** "Oh, man... the Trojans are gonna be so mad..."_ (points)_ "You've got to give the body back to them."

**Pandorus:** "Why? It's not like they can use it now! ...Or can they?"_ (winks)_

(_Everyone cringes.)_

**Diomedes:** "That is so gross..."

**Pandorus:** _(still messing with the body) _"Hey, guys, I made a funny - what's the difference between a dead Trojan and a trampoline?"

**Odysseus:** "I will pay you any amount of money if you don't finish that joke."

**Pandorus:** "With a trampoline, you take your shoes off before you jump on it!" _(laughs loudly)_

**Diomedes:** "Oh my Zeus... you're making dead baby jokes about the Trojan!"

**Pandorus:** "What's the matter, scared of the big bad Trojan? Hey, look what happens when I tug the skin on the back of his head…"

_(He does so, and the Trojan's mouth opens accordingly.__)_

**Pandorus:** _(doing a ventriloquist routine) _"Hello. I am a Trojan. I can't hurt anyone. Because I'm dead. Pandorus killed me, because he's awesome."

**Odysseus:** _(gets to his feet, backing away)_ "That is the worst thing I have ever seen..."

**Diomedes:** _(doing the same) _"Seconded!"

**Pandorus:** "What's the matter? Two rugged Greeks, scared of the big, bad Trojan?"

**Odysseus:** "Look, dude - we're not mad at you, and we're not even going to tell anyone that you dragged a dead body into our camp, if you just take it back to the Trojans right now. And stop doing that thing with its mouth, it's creepy."

**Pandorus: **_(pause)_ "I'm not doing the mouth thing..."

(_A split second, then the Trojan's eyes fly open... revealing that they are a horrible, blank shade of white. He growls, opens his mouth, and lunges for__Pandorus__' throat. __Pandorus__screams, knocked onto his back while the zombie begins nomming him. Diomedes and Odysseus look on abject horror.)_

**Diomedes:** "…I say we run for it."

**Odysseus:** _(quickly)_ "Good idea!"

(_They do so.)_

* * *

Act I, Scene Three

* * *

_(Setting: Near the walls of Troy. Paris and a random Trojan soldier are walking along. The random Trojan soldier looks miserable, while Paris just looks confused.)_

**Paris:** "I mean, I thought everyone liked me. Women like sensitive men, right? I'm charming, handsome, clean-shaven... I mean, I'm the sexy one! Hektor's the rational one... Father is the smart one... and you..." _(gestures)_ "You're just the one who's bitchy... I'm the handsome one! Everyone likes me!"

**Random Trojan #1:** _(glowering)_ "Well, the one who's bitchy isn't too crazy about you right now..."

**Paris:** "Hektor just doesn't see how valuable I am. He's convinced I should go to war like the rest of the men...but what if I got killed?! It would be such a waste! Hektor's always been more rational than me, but this time I'm convinced he's wrong... Are you listening to me?"

**Random Trojan Soldier #1: **"No."

**Paris:** "See, this right here - I don't get it! Everyone used to love me, but since I brought Heleny-poo to Troy I've been getting this hostile vive. It could just be all in my head…"

**Random Trojan Soldier #1: "**I don't know; it might have something to do with the fact that you started a war that has caused the death of hundreds of good men…"

_(Paris draws to a halt, pointing at something up ahead.)_

**Paris:** "What do you suppose that fellow's doing?"

_(Cut to: a random solider in the distance stumbling toward them at a slow pace.)_

**Random Trojan #1:** _(looks at Paris oddly, still annoyed) _"Seems to be enjoying a nice walk along the walls. Who are we to question his motives? Urgh, Troy could turn into a facist dictatorship right under our noses with people like you running the place..."

**Paris:** "No, I mean... look how he's walking... doesn't that seem strange to you?"

**Random Trojan Soldier #1:** "Maybe his leg fell asleep."

**Paris:** "No... no... it looks like rabies."

**Random Trojan Soldier #1: "**Psh. Rabies? Really, Paris? Next you'll be telling us that it's the zombie plague, set loose upon the earth to punish the wicked and smite the infidel!" _(rolls his eyes)_

_(As the solider gets closer... it becomes obvious that there's something wrong with his eyes... Random Trojan Soldier #1 is starting to look slightly worried…)_

**Paris:** "Umm... yeah, rabies, zombie, whatever..." _(he hands his spear and shield to Random Trojan Soldier #1)_"I'll be back in my room. With Helen."

**Random Trojan Soldier #1:** "What do you want me to do?"

**Paris:** "Well... you're a soldier. Defend your city." _(claps him on the shoulder and smiles brightly) _"It was nice getting to know you."

* * *

Act I, Scene Four

* * *

(_Setting: Near the sea. Shot from a distance, an indistinct figure is running quickly along the beach... then running along a forest path... into a house, through a hallway... and into the throne room of the Greek gods. Hera, Zeus, and Athena are sitting there. Zeus looks tired, Hera is glaring at him, and Athena is holding up a sign that says "I HAVE GREY EYES." As our running figure (Hermes) draws to a halt... close up on his shoes. Which are FABULOUS.)_

**Hera:**_(glancing at him)_ "How goes the battle, Hermes? Are the Greeks winning?"

**Athena:**"We might have bigger problems."

**Zeus:**_(rolling his eyes)_ "For the last time, the business with Europa was a mistake! I mean, you screw one cow, and it comes back to haunt you for years—"

**Hermes:**_(shaking his head)_ "No, no, it's not that..."

**Zeus:**"...Oh. Well..." _(clears his throat awkwardly)_ "...What news, then?"

**Hermes:**"Something very strange is happening. This morning, as it started raining—"

**Athena:** "Yes, rain, Chicken Little. Annoying, but not fatal to non-witches."

**Hermes:**"—as it started raining, the bodies which lay strewn across the battlefield... this may sound odd... but they seem to be... reanimating."

_(Cue the blank looks.)_  
**Hermes:**"...My guess is that Charon isn't taking them to the Underworld... and their souls have nowhere to go but their bodies, so..." (shrugs)

**Zeus:**"Why would Charon do such a thing?"

**Hera:**"He's union."

**Zeus:**"Oh..."

**Athena: **_(scoffs) _"Isn't it obvious? Charon answers to Hades." _(looks at Zeus)_ "It seems that your brother's in a foul mood again."

**Zeus:**_(darkly, sighing)_ "He's been in a 'bad mood' for a millennium..." _(gets to his feet)_ "Well. I guess I'll just have to see what he wants, then…"

* * *

Act I, Scene Five

* * *

(_Setting: The Underworld again. Hades is creeper-staring at Persephone while she scrubs the floor. She tries to ignore him, but he only leans out of the chair, moving closer to her, his eyes growing wider.)_

**Persephone:**_(finally giving up)_ "May I help you?"

**Hades:**"…Are you always this weird-looking, or are you making a special effort today?"

**Persephone:**_(sighs)_ "I'm sure I'd be better looking if I had, you know, a tan. But in order to get a tan, I would need sunlight, and I'm not getting that down here. You might want to think about hiring a new interior decorator… or letting me leave the Underworld for a minute or two…"

**Hades:**"But I need you."

**Persephone:**"You need the mint…"

(_The door bursts open, and Zeus strides in. Hades instantly tenses and sits back, contempt and defiance in his posture.)_

**Hades:**"Zeus."

**Zeus:**"Hades." _(looks around, distastefully)_ "I like what you've done with the place. It seems… darker… than the last time I was here…"

**Persephone:**"Nothing matches!"

**Hades:**"For the last time, it's eclectic! The theory is that if you have really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't need to match."

**Zeus:**_(looks around again)_ "…Well, at least you've got half of it down."

(_Hades glares.)_

**Hades:** "So you come into my realm just to insult me?"

**Zeus:** "No. Well, kind of. Mostly no. Hades…" _(takes a deep breath)_ "You need to start letting souls back into the Underworld again."

**Hades:** "…"

**Persephone: **_(whispering to Hades)_ "Don't you remember? You were going to force your brother to end the war."

**Hades: **_(looks at Persephone blankly)_ "…Er…"

**Persephone:** "We just had this conversation! Your excellent plan...It's not fair, you're older…? He'll rue the day…?"

**Hades:** "…He'll rue the day… oh, yes! My plan!" _(camera zooms in theatrically)_ "The One Plan to rule them all…"

**Persephone:** _(interrupting the dramatic moment) _"You forgot it?"

**Hades:** _(quickly)_ "No." _(nervously, as she continues to stare at him) _"I was just testing you...you failed. As usual." _(looks at Zeus)_"…And what if I don't want to?"

**Zeus:**_(bites his lip, thinks about it)_ "…I'd probably have to smite you." _(nods)_

**Hades:**"Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!"

**Zeus:**_(annoyed)_ "Look, there are zombies out there! Just let the souls back into the Underworld!"

**Hades:**"No! End the war first!"

**Zeus:**"My wife would kill me! Let them in!"

**Hades:**"No!"

**Zeus:**"Yes!"

**Hades:**"NO!"

(_Persephone has apparently had enough. She sighs, then reaches out and tugs off Hades' shoe.)_

**Hades:**"Hey! Give me my shoe back!"

**Persephone:**_(holding it out of his grasp)_ "Are you going to let your brother play?"

**Hades:**"Play? This isn't a game!"

**Persephone:**"Are you going to let your brother play?"

**Hades:**"He started—"

**Persephone:**"Are you going to let your brother play?"

**Hades:**"This is so—"

**Persephone:**"Are you going to let your brother play?"

**Hades:**"FINE!"

(_Persephone hands him the shoe back and goes back to cleaning as if nothing has happened.__)_

**Zeus:**_(gloating)_ "Well… that was all I really came here for." _(smirks) _"So, you've got the whole zombie apocalypse thing under control?"

**Hades:**"…Not… really."

**Zeus:**"Care to clarify?"

**Hades:**"Well… sure, I can let newly departed souls into the Underworld. No problem. But the ones who went back to their bodies as zombies…? Not much I can do about that."  
**Zeus:**"So we're stuck with zombies wandering around our battlefield?"

**Hades:**"Not if you call off the war."

**Zeus:**"Then we just have zombies wandering around."

**Hades:**_(thinks about it)_ "…Yes."

**Zeus:**"…Hades?"

**Hades:**"What?"

**Zeus:**"…Fix this."

**Hades:**_(defeated)_ "…Yeah."

(_Zeus walks out.)_

**Hades:**"…How in the name of _Cerberus' autistic right head_ am I going to fix a zombie apocalypse?!"

**Persephone:**"Should've thought of that earlier." _(shrugs)_

_(__Hades gives a huge sigh.)_

**Hades:**_(more softly)_ "Why do you think Zeus always picks on me, anyway? I've never done anything to him."

**Persephone:**"Yeah. You've never done anything. Maybe you should've made more of an effort to spend time with him. Throw lightening bolts at nonbelievers some time."

**Hades:**"Ergh… I hate smiting nonbelievers…"

**Persephone:**"So what?"

**Hades:**_(a little annoyed) _"Are you suggesting that I go along with something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to receive some sign of affection?"

**Persephone:**"Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries."

(_Hades just stares at her, a little horrified.)_

* * *

Act I, Scene Six

* * *

(_Setting: Athena, Artemis, Poseidon, and Aphrodite are at Olympus. Zeus has just returned from the underworld.)_

**Zeus:**"We have a problem."

**Artemis:**"Again?! Who's it this time?"

**Poseidon:**"If it's Helen, then Aphrodite owes me 20 drachama."

**Zeus:**"No one is pregnant...at least not that I know of." _(shoots a look at Aphrodite)_

**Aphrodite:**(innocently) "Then what's the problem?"

**Zeus:**"Apparently, Hades can't… undo the undead."

**Aphrodite:**"Huh?"

**Athena:**"He means that Hades can't rid the earth of the zombies."

**Poseidon:**"No problem! I'll just flood the earth. We can start all over again, I personally like the idea of a water world…"

**Aphrodite:**"NO! You can't kill all those people!"

**Athena:**"And I'm pretty sure you can't drown zombies."

**Poseidon:**"Good point... well, I'm all out of ideas."

**Artemis:**"Why can't WE just hunt down the zombies?"

(_Awkward silence… then the excuses start flying in all at once.)_

**Poseidon:**"This whole global warming is making it really difficult off shore… not to mention all those polluted rivers I need to clean up."

**Athena:**"I've taken a special interest in a young scholar in Athens... He still needs to finish his training."

**Aphrodite:**"There's a prince down in Thebes who's got a thing for a shepherdess… I can't just ignore that!"

**Zeus:**"Hera has me scheduled for a therapy sessions… she says I have problems that I need to talk about."

**Artemis:**"Okay… I guess that idea… but we could always have our magical creatures do it for us. I can send out my goblins and walking skeletons."

**Zeus:**"Your… what?"

**Athena:**"We can use my griffins and orks!"

**Zeus:**"…I'm completely lost!"

**Poseidon:**"My gorgons and dwarves can always be used."

**Zeus:**_(increasingly confused) _"What the hell is going on here?"

**Aphrodite:**"And I have fairies and unicorns!"

**Zeus:**"Are you all insane…?! Where the hell are we going to get unicorns?!"

**Aphrodite:**_(scoffs) _"From my general awesomeness!"

**Zeus:**"…You know what? Sure. Fine. Throw out your random fantasy races with no regard for setting or time period. That's cool. I don't even care anymore… Where are Hera, Apollo, and Leto?"

**Athena:**"Out watching the battles."

**Artemis:**"You must go to them at once! We need all the help we can get!"

**Zeus:**"Yeah, yeah, I'm going…" _(leaves)_

* * *

Act I, Scene Seven

* * *

(_Setting: A distance from the battlefield. Apollo and Leto as watching from out of sight. After a moment, Apollo appears to grow bored, nocks and arrow, and shoots it into the battle, with a resounding scream as a result. Leto glances at him, then sniffs the air.__ )_

**Leto:**"Something smells… minty."

**Apollo:**"New arrows."

(_He holds one out for inspection. Sure enough, it's labeled "+Five ArchOry – A refreshing blast of winter!" Cut to: the battlefield, where a random Greek has been shot, and is sinking to his knees.)_

**Random Greek #1:** "My last breath… is also my mintiest…"

_(Cut back to Apollo and Leto. Zeus walks up.)_

**Zeus:**"Hey."

**Leto:**"Hey yourself."

**Zeus:**"So… you guys are up to date on this zombie problem?"

**Apollo:**"Are you kidding? You know how many headshots I've made today? It's like, for once in my miserable life of unrequited love and sunburn, I'm finally happy."

**Zeus:**"…Yeah. We're trying to get rid of the zombies."

_(Apollo just blinks for a moment, then, his dreams crushed, stands and walks away.)_

**Leto:**"…I'll send some vampires to help."

**Zeus:**"…Sparkly vampires?"

**Leto:**"Absolutely not."

**Zeus:**"Damn it!" _(catching himself)_ "I mean… uh… yeah. That's great. Thanks. Maybe some wraiths, too…?"

**Leto:**"What you mean, like Rightwraiths, dementors, dark, hooded creatures in every fantasy story ever…?"

**Zeus:**"Pretty much like that."

**Leto:**"Yeah. Fine. Once Apollo calms down, I'm sure he'll send something to help out, too… like elves… He REALLY likes elves for some reason… Question: Why don't you just ask Hades to fix this?"

**Zeus:**"Hades said he can't… and, you know, he has a lot on his plate at the moment…"

* * *

Act I, Scene Eight

* * *

(_Setting: In the Underworld.)_

**Hades:**"Are you serious right now? It's been an hour, and you still haven't brought the couch in from the shores of Acheron?"

**Persephone:**"It's heavy."

**Hades:**"Heavy? It's too heavy?! Listen, princess, if the Egyptians can build the pyramids, you can bring a freakin' couch into my living room!"

**Persephone:**"Yeah, Hades. Get me ten thousand Hebrews, and I'll have it for you in no time."

(_Hades starts to reply, but is interrupted by the sound of his cell phone ringing. Annoyed, he answers it.)_

**Hades:**"Hello? …What? What? I can't hear you. And neither can the audience."

(_Cue the split screen, revealing that Zeus is on the other line.)_

**Zeus:**"Is this better?"

**Hades:**"Oh, a split screen. Yes, that helps."

**Zeus:**"So, we're all compensating for your little foul up. Everyone's sending things to take care of the, you know, zombie issue…"

**Hades:**"I'm never going to live this down, am I?"

**Zeus:**"Not a chance. Look, the reason I called is to tell you that… you should probably send something to kill the zombies, too. Like… send demons or something."

**Hades:**"…Um… why…?"

**Zeus:**"Because I said so." _(hangs up)_

**Hades:**"…Son of a—"

End of Act I


	2. Act II

Act II, Scene One

* * *

_(Setting: Four years later, the ninth year of the Trojan War. A forest, near sunset. Achilles is hiding in a tree, waiting for something, and in another nearby tree, Patrocles is doing the same… but he mostly just looks impatient and uncomfortable.)_

**Patrocles:** "…I hate to bother you… but that leg cramp I mentioned? It's getting worse." _(pause, then, calmly)_ "The pain is actually quite unbearable now…"

**Achilles:** "Shh."

**Patrocles: **_(annoyed) _"I'm sure you meant that to be comforting, but—

**Achilles:** _(interrupting)_ "You'll just have to live with it, Patrocles."

**Patrocles:** "…That is precisely my plan… but I intend to live with it _back in my tent_." _(starts to climb down)_

**Achilles: **"You can try. But the demon will have killed you before you get there."

**Patrocles:** "…" _(returns to where he was sitting) _"…I knew that. I was only kidding." _(he looks around)_ "Achilles, again, I know this isn't the time to ask…"

**Achilles:** "What?"

**Patrocles: **"Are you sure this is the best way to hunt a demon? I mean, we haven't so much as seen it yet… How do you know it's even here?"

**Achilles: **"Have you ever seen a gorgon's eyes?"

**Patrocles:** "Clearly not…"

**Achilles:** "But we know that they're there." _(gestures)_ "We're in the area. We've got bait. What more could a demon want?"

**Patrocles:** "Bait?"

**Achilles: **_(smiling)_ "That's us." _(he falls silent, tightening his grip on a spear he's holding)_

_(The bushes rustle as something moves, just out of sight. This goes on for a long, tense moment – Patrocles looks terrified, while Achilles is just watching calmly… there is a very demon-like hiss from the bushes, and Achilles throws the spear, cutting short the sound. Patrocles starts and jumps at the sudden movement, falling out of his tree in the process… He lands close to the now dead demon, which has a spear protruding from the center of its head.)_

**Patrocles:** _(amazed)_ "…You just killed a demon in one try…"

**Achilles:** _(leaping to the ground) _"I know. I'm Batman."_ (beams)_

**Patrocles:** _(just looks at him) _"…Yeah. You're Batman."

_(Achilles' smile slowly fades – he looks slightly offended.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Two

* * *

_(Setting: the Greek camp, morning. Achilles and Patrocles are trying to avoid running into anyone as they walk along through the chaos of everyone waking up. During the narration, the camera pans around the camp.)_

**Narration:** "When the dead first rose up, we didn't know what to do. The first week, there were zombies, then goblins just came out of nowhere, and by the time vampires started showing up, we figured out that things were only going to get worse. We were right. There was a lot of screaming and panic… a lot of virgin sacrifices to the gods, but nothing helped. People started thinking that someone had pissed off Zeus – my bets were on Agamemnon – and we were all going to die." _(pause)_ "I'd say we adapted pretty well in four years…"

_(Achilles and Patrocles pass by Diomedes, who is talking to a ghost.)_

**Diomedes:** _(holding a cross)_ "That's the price – take it or leave it."

_(The ghost grumbles and hands him a few coins.)_

**Diomedes: **_(brightly, handing it the cross) _"Nice doing business with you."

_(Back to following Achilles and Patrocles. Odysseus walks up, falling into step with them.)_

**Odysseus:**_ (completely ignoring Patrocles, who looks a little put-out)_ "Hey, Achilles. Heard you killed another demon last night."

**Achilles:** "Yep."

**Odysseus:** "How many is that now…?"

**Achilles:** "Lost count."

**Odysseus:** "Agamemnon says that he wants to see you in his tent."

**Achilles:** "I'm sure he _does_…"

**Patrocles:** _(teasing)_ "Well, aren't _you_ full of yourself today. I think it's because of the demon."

**Odysseus:**_ (finally acknowledging Patrocles' existence)_ "You know, I've killed a demon, too."

**Patrocles:** "Yeah? And how many spears did _you_ have to use?"

**Odysseus: **"I used my hands." _(smirks)_

_(Patrocles shoots him an incredulous look, determines that he's serious, and seems vaguely impressed.)_

**Achilles:**_ (who is walking ahead of them, completely missing this exchange) _"Patrocles, when we go to see Agamemnon, would you mind announcing my arrival? Like, 'Achilles, Slayer of Demons' or something of that sort?"

**Patrocles:** _(sighs) _"You know, I'd warn you not to be so arrogant, but then you'd have absolutely no personality at all."

_(Achilles just smiles, conceding this point. Cut to: Agamemnon's tent. Ajax the Lesser and Agamemnon are there, in the midst of a conversation, but they look up with Patrocles steps inside.)_

**Patrocles:** _(tiredly) _"All hail Achilles, Slayer of Demons."

_(Rolling his eyes, he steps out of the way to allow Achilles to step into view.)_

**Agamemnon: **_(blinks)_ "…You know, Achilles, you _might_ make more friends if you don't introduce yourself that way."

**Achilles:** _(ignoring this)_ "Odysseus said you wanted to talk to me…? Make it quick – I was planning to go… you know… kill more demons this afternoon while you… do whatever it is you _do_."

**Agamemnon: **"…About that. We were kind of planning a raid at nightfall… can't be all fun and games and killing demons…"

**Achilles:** "And I assume you want me to swoop in and save the day?"

**Agamemnon: **_(annoyed) _"Well, I was just telling you as a courtesy, but now you can just go screw yourself." _(shrugs)_

**Achilles:** _(yawns)_ "Fine, fine – I'll help you. Zeus knows you can't take care of a skirmish on your own…" _(leaves)_

**Ajax the Lesser:** "…Man… I hate that guy."

**Agamemnon:** "Yeah…"

* * *

Act II, Scene Three

* * *

_(Setting: Within Troy. Hector is sitting at a long table, in the midst of a conversation with a vampire, and elf, and a wraith. Everyone else is sitting as far away from the wraith as possible, looking a little nervous.)_

**Hector:** _(to the vampire)_ "Do you still maintain that your actions – in violating Section 14.12 of the Vampire Regulations Codes – were justified…?"

**Vampire #1: **_(nervously) _"What would you have done? None of you can understand, because none of you were there! You don't think about what's right and wrong… when you're just trying to survive. Right and wrong – those are just words. They don't mean anything when you look around you, and all you can see is death… and all you can feel is the hunger… What would you have done?"

**Hector: **"We're not talking about you being the sole survivor of a plane crash in the Andes or something… you were the sole survivor of a ten minute delay with your Happy Meal order from McDonalds."

**Vampire #1:** "Ten minutes I will _never_ forget."

**Hector:** "You've got to assume… you've got to _know_, on some level, that when you place an order for raw beef on your cheeseburger, it might a minute to check things with management."

**Vampire #1: **"You'd think they would be used to it by now."

**Elf #1:** _(interrupting)_ "You ate one-hundred twelve of your fellow restaurant patrons."

**Vampire #1:** "Well, we can't all be vegetarians."

**Elf #1:** "You could have eaten just one, but no – you ate a little bit of each. Why?!"

**Vampire #1:** "I simply tasted a little of each in the hopes that the next one would taste better!" _(looks at Hector)_ "I'm sure you've done the same thing with a box of chocolates…"

_(Hector starts to reply, but the door opens and Paris peers inside. Hector clears his throat and straightens up.)_

**Hector: **_(addressing the room)_ "Alright – we'll take a break and resume this after lunch, okay?"

_(The elf and vampire mumble their assent, and file out of the room. The Wraith, however, remains sitting rigidly in its seat.)_

**Hector:** "…You too, Xylon."

**Xylon:** _(deep, guttural voice) _"My soul is merged with all that is dead and all that will die…!"

**Hector: **"That's great. How about we take a lunch break, though?"

_(The wraith is still for a moment, then abruptly leaves. Hector gestures for Paris to enter the room.)_

**Paris:** "First of all, bro, I wanted to tell you that I think you're doing a great job with straightening out all this political stuff. Really great. I couldn't do it better if I tried."

**Hector:** _(tired)_ "What do you want?"

**Paris:** "Can I ask a stupid question?"

**Hector:** "Better than anyone I know. Go ahead."

**Paris:** _(quickly, cheerful)_ "Can I marry Helen?"

**Hector: **"…I'm gonna say no… just because I haven't lost all of my common sense."

**Paris:** "C'mon, please! I really want to! I've been dating her for nine years now, and I'm reasonably sure that I'm kind of close to being in love with her! …Maybe!"

**Hector: **"Paris, I know you have to be somebody, but why do you have to be _you_?"

**Paris:** "Because… I'm awesome?

**Hector**: "The thing is… she's kind of married to Menelaus. You know, when you kidnapped her – remember that? – there wasn't really time for filing divorce papers. So I don't exactly know how legal a marriage would be…"

**Paris:** "But…" _(cue the puppy dog eyes)_

**Hector:** "Oh no. Don't do that. That's cheating. Dad even told you that you can't do that to me anymore—"

**Paris:** "Pretty please? …Big brother…?"

_(Hector glares off into space for a moment, then finally caves.)_

**Hector: **"FINE!"

**Paris:** "Yay! You're amazing, Hector!"

**Hector:** _(slumping in his seat)_ "Get. Out."

_(Paris practically skips out the door.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Four

* * *

_(Setting: Achilles' tent. For some reason, Patrocles is going about doing random housework, like washing the dishes and making the bed.)_

**Patrocles:** "You know, maybe you should actually think about… I dunno… being nicer to Agamemnon…"

**Achilles:** "I'll try being nicer when he tries being smarter."

**Patrocles:** "Yeah, because no one's heard that before…"

**Achilles: **"He should be happy he's even alive. I have a habit of murdering people who get in my way. Or anyone who looks like they might possibly be thinking about getting anywhere near my way at some unspecified point in the future. Just to be sure."

_(Awkward silence.)_

**Patrocles:** "…Normally, you would hear crickets, but I think they were uncomfortable, too."

_(Achilles just shrugs.)_

**Patrocles:** _(clears his throat) _"So, there's going to be a raid tonight…?"

**Achilles:** "Yep."

**Patrocles:** "I'll assume that it's just going to be an excuse for the make-up artist to show off?"

**Achilles:** "No. No, I want to make it absolutely clear that it's not just an excuse for the make-up artist to show off. It's absolutely not. Except that… yes, it's kind of an excuse for the make-up artist to show off."

**Patrocles:** "Right. Figures."

**Achilles:** "Would you mind shining my armor before then? I want to look impressive… because, well, I am."_ (laughs)_

**Patrocles:** "I hate when you get like this… it's just like when we were kids, and Thetis got you that new chariot. Sure, it was nice, but did you really have to show off like that? All I remember of my early childhood was being a tiny hostage in the backseat while you sped around Thrace's farm all day… I was _thirteen_ before I realized that cows weren't blurry."

**Achilles: **"Don't be jealous of my awesomeness." _(winks)_

**Patrocles:** "…I don't think there's much risk of that."

**Achilles: **"You'll shine my armor, though?"

**Patrocles:** _(rolls his eyes)_ "As you wish."

_(They both freeze and stare at each other.)_

**Achilles:** "…You just said…"

**Patrocles:** "…I didn't mean…"

**Achilles:** "It's… okay… I feel the s—" _(as if suddenly coming to his senses)_ "Cousin!"

_(They look away from one another dramatically. At that moment, Odysseus steps into the tent.)_

**Odysseus: **"Hey—"

**Patrocles:** "Nothing happening! Why would you think that? We're cousins! Totally _just_ cousins! We don't have to put up with these wild accusations from you!"

_(Awkward silence.)_

**Achilles: **"In conclusion? Cousins."

**Odysseus: **"Yeah… Okayyyy… Have either of you seen Menelaus?"

_(As he Menelaus' name, there is a dramatic thunderclap.)_

**Achilles:** _(confused by said thunderclap)_ "Um… no…"

**Patrocles:** "Why?"

**Odysseus:** "Apparently, no one's seen him in like… two weeks. And we're starting to get _kind_ of worried…"

**Achilles:** "Well, he does tend to wander off some times…"

**Odysseus: **_(sighs)_ "Yeah, I guess I can look for him later… in the obituaries."_ (without waiting to be invited, he sits down)_ "So, what are you guys up to in here? I sense subtext!" _(beams)_

_(Uncomfortable…)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Five

* * *

_(Setting: Speaking of Menelaus, he's standing at the outskirts of a forest, with the vampire Hector was speaking to earlier.)_

**Menelaus:** "Fools… they're all fools! They think they're here for another fun year of fighting shenanigans at Troy! Little do they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses…"

**Vampire #1: **_(looks at him oddly) _"Did you seriously just say 'shenanigans'?"

**Menelaus:** "So you know why I called you here. It's so we can talk about this whole 'turning me so I can get revenge on Helen' deal. This is entirely secret, you understand."

**Vampire #1:** "Yes, yes… No one must know any of that."

_(They both look directly at the camera for a moment.)_

**Menelaus:** _(turning away dramatically)_ "This is perfect, just perfect! Once I have Helen within my grasp, Paris will have no choice but to give her back… or kill her…"

_(As he speaks, the vampire is pulling out a bottle of Scope and washing out his mouth.)_

**Menelaus: **"Either way, my revenge is near. So near that I can practically taste it! And it taste like… Cool Mint." _(blinks, turns back to the vampire, who has finished with the mouthwash and moved it off-screen again)_ "So, anyway… am I going to have to pay you for this or something?"

**Vampire #1:** _(scoffs)_ "Are you kidding? I'd kill _you_ for a Klondike Bar."

**Menelaus:** "Wonderful! …I think."

**Vampire #1: **"Can we get this over with? I'm supposed to be meeting someone for drinks in about half an hour."

**Menelaus: **"Yeah, sure." _(he pauses)_ "Wait, wait – as a vampire, do I get to… you know… sparkle? Like Edward Cullen?"

**Vampire #1: **_(completely deadpan)_ "Do I look like the sort of person who the words 'like Edward Cullen' apply to in any way?"

**Menelaus: **"…Um…"

_(The vampire seems tired of waiting, and just noms him. There is random gore, because Riddell needs to have fun with the makeup. Again.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Six

* * *

_(Setting: Nightfall, just before the raid. Achilles, Agamemnon, Odysseus, and Patrocles are looking over a boulder on a hill at the Trojan soldier in the distance. The scene is oddly reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz, for some reason.)_

**Patrocles: **"Um… there seem to be more resistance than we were expecting." _(looks at Agamemnon) _"Should we retreat?"

**Agamemnon:** _(eyes narrowed) _"Nope. We charge."

**Achilles:** "…This is the happiest moment of my life!"

_(They charge down the hill, shouting randomly. There is battle that I have a feeling we're going to improvise. Also, I don't feel like writing out who kills who. Unlike Homer. Anyway, in the course of the battle, Achilles kidnaps Briseis somehow. Because… yeah. It's like that. Moving on, I'll resume actually doing my job as a scriptwriter… after the battle… Achilles, Agamemnon, Briseis, and Odysseus end up back on the hill from before, a little scratched up and out of breath now.)_

**Agamemnon:** _(gestures to Briseis) _"What's that?"

**Achilles:** _(looks at her)_ "Uh… spoils of war."

**Briseis: **"Please, I just want to go home to my mom!"

**Achilles:** _(informatively)_ "Right now, I'm letting her sniff my hand to let her know I'm not a threat…"

**Odysseus: **_(fascinated) _"Oh…"

**Achilles:** _(suddenly, realizing) _"Wait a minute… where's Patrocles?"

_(Right on cue, Patrocles staggers up to them. He has a rather nasty looking arrow wound and his shouting over his shoulder.)_

**Patrocles:** "Screw you, elves!" _(a pause – he turns back to his group to find that they are all staring at him)_ "…You left me to die out there!"

**Achilles:** _(awkwardly)_ "Yeah… sorry about that."

**Odysseus:** "We kind of forgot you were with us, so…"

**Patrocles:** "Well, guys, on the bright side, I found all these free arrows." _(through gritted teeth, gestures)_ "They were in my spleen."

_(And, with that, he topples over backwards in a dead faint. Everyone else just stands there for a moment.)_

**Achilles:** _(gravely)_ "I think we all know what this means."

**Odysseus:** "Yes…"

**Achilles:** _(brightening)_ "His collection of Fall Out Boy CDs is ours for the taking! Back to camp, men!"

_(They run off, all shouting something or another about the spoils of war.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Seven

* * *

_(Setting: inside of Troy. Hector is reading a newspaper when Paris walks up.)_

**Paris: **_(gestures to the newspaper) _"Anything interesting?"

**Hector: **_(turns the page)_ "There was a Greek raid last night and sometime off screen, Agamemnon kidnapped the daughter of one of Apollo's priests."_ (glancing up)_ "And there's a big story about how Hector, Prince of Troy, is getting increasingly annoyed with his little brother."

**Paris: **_(intrigued)_ "Really?"

**Hector: **_(setting down the newspaper, irritated)_ "No, Paris, not really. What do you want?"

**Paris:** "Umm… I had an idea."

**Hector: **"Zeus help us…"

**Paris:** "I was thinking about how you said that me marrying Helen might be a little illegal since she's married to Menelaus already… Well, I thought that… maybe if I kill Menelaus, it'll be more legal!"

**Hector: **"As a general rule, killing people tends to fall under the heading of 'illegal'."

**Paris:** "Yes, but if we say it's a duel…"

**Hector:** "Paris, I don't know if you've noticed this, but you've never been in a duel a day in your life…"

**Paris:** "It can't be that difficult, can it?"

_(Cut to: some random extras being killed in some sort of arena. Paris and Hector look on, and Paris seems utterly terrified.)_

**Hector: **"…So, when do you want to start training?"

_(And now for the obligatory training montage… I think we'll improvise this.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Eight

* * *

_(Setting: Achilles' tent. Briseis is sitting in the corner, looking highly upset… and a random Fall Out Boy song is playing in the background.)_

**Achilles:** "…So."

**Briseis:** "I just want to go home to my mom!"

**Achilles:** "Me too! See, we already have stuff in common!"

_(The tent flap is pushed back, and Patrocles practically drags himself inside.)_

**Patrocles:** "Left at Trojan camp. Lots of arrows. Couldn't walk. Two miles back here. Lots of soldiers. Big swords. Need place to die."

_(He topples over again.)_

**Briseis:** _(when Achilles does nothing) _"Are you… going to help him?"

**Achilles:** "…" _(sighs) _"Fine…"

_(He goes to kneel beside his… cousin.)_

**Achilles:** "Um… you still alive?"

**Patrocles:**_ (opening his eyes slightly to find Achilles leaning over him) _"Heaven…"

**Achilles:** "What?"

_(At that moment, Odysseus leans into the tent as well.)_

**Odysseus: **"Hey, Achilles—"

**Patrocles:** _(sitting up abruptly) _"Oh no. _He's_ here. It must be that Other Place!"

**Achilles: **"Good to see you're feeling better." _(turns to Odysseus)_ "What?"

**Odysseus: **"Not to break up your subtext again, but… uh… you should probably come look at this."

_(They step out of the tent… discovering that the entire camp seems to be quoting lolcats.)_

**Random Greek #1:** "I can haz a cheezburger?"

**Random Greek #2:** "Ceiling cat is watching you—"

**Random Greek #3:** "STFU, kthnxbai!"

**Achilles: **"…"

**Odysseus: **"I just woke up this morning, and they were like that… That's not the most disturbing part, though. Look."

_(He grabs hold of Diomedes, who is shrieking something about "Catnarok", and points out an arrow wound on Diomedes' shoulder.)_

**Achilles:** "Hmm. This seems to be the work of Apollo himself…"

**Odysseus:** "I would argue that it looks kind of like they spent too much time surfing the internet last night."

**Achilles:** "The gods work in mysterious ways…"

**Odysseus: **_(catching on)_ "So, pretty much nothing I say to you at this point is going to make a difference because you just went into 'hero mode', right?"

**Achilles:** "We'll have to speak with Agamemnon immediately… a disaster of these proportions cannot be ignored!"

**Odysseus: **"Riiiiight…"

* * *

Act II, Scene Nine

* * *

_(Setting: Meanwhile, in Achilles' tent, Patrocles and Briseis are having the inevitable conversation.)_

**Patrocles: **"So… how'd you get here?"

**Briseis:** _(crying) _"Achilles kidnapped me! I just want to go home to my mom!"

**Patrocles:** "He kidnapped you…?"

**Briseis: **"Please, I just want to go home to my—"

**Patrocles:** "He never kidnapped _me_…"

**Briseis:** "This isn't FAIR!"

**Patrocles:** "I'll say…"

_(Achilles walks in.)_

**Achilles:** "Patrocles, do you know any oracles who can—"

**Patrocles:** "Get your own damn oracle!" _(runs out)_

**Achilles: **_(looks at Briseis)_ "Any idea what that was?"

**Briseis:** "I just want to go home to my mom!"

**Achilles:** "Nine non-interchangeable syllables, none of which have anything to do with my inadequacies as boyfriend. You're like, perfect."

* * *

Act II, Scene Ten

* * *

_(Setting: Inside of Troy, some sort of arena. Hector is straightening Paris' armor for him, while Paris looks nervous.)_

**Hector: **"This is the last thing I'm gonna have you do, okay? After this… well, you probably still won't be ready to fight Menelaus, but at least you won't be eternally known as the Kid Who Cried in the Armory When Things Didn't Go His Way. You can die with a little bit of dignity." _(grins)_ "Okay. Go get 'em." _(walks off)_

**Paris:** "This armor is so _icky_…"

_(A highly decayed zombie staggers up.)_

**Paris: **_(not realizing that this is what he's supposed to be fighting)_ "Like, O. M. G. Why are you in my arena? I am trying to train to be awesome!"

**Zombie #1:** "Braaaaaiiinnnsss…"

**Paris: **_(reeling away)_ "Ew, gross! Do you want a Tic Tac or something?" _(he begins checking is pockets)_ "You know, your teeth are your best friends – you take care of them, and they'll take care of you—"

_(The zombie lunges at his neck, and Paris instinctively takes a step back.)_

**Paris:** _(laughs nervously)_ "Whoa, buddy – I don't think we know each other well enough for that. Maybe you should buy me dinner first."

**Hector: **_(off-screen)_ "Paris, it's a zombie! Just kill it!"

**Paris:** "Zombie?! You never said anything about zombies!" _(terrified, he throws the box of Tic Tacs at the slowly advancing zombie and runs away)_

**Hector: **_(as Paris runs up)_ "Paris…" _(shaking his head)_ "Let me tell you something – I have seen a lot of fights in my day, but never have I seen such a pathetic _train-wreck_ as what just occurred out there."

**Paris: **"…Can I ask Helen to marry me now?"

**Hector:** "…Yeah. Go. Get out of here."

_(Paris beams and runs off. Hector looks after him for a minute, then goes to the zombie and begins brutally attacking it… just to show off more special effects. Because we're lame like that.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Eleven

* * *

_(Setting: Helen's bedroom. She is in the process of doing her nails when Paris runs in, holding a bouquet of roses.)_

**Paris:** _(practically shoving the flowers into her face)_ "Hey there, beautiful!"

**Helen:** _(reeling away) _"Ew, allergies!"

_(Paris tries to hand the roses to her, but she wants no part of it, and keeps leaning further away.)_

**Paris:** "These are for you!" _(he drops them, then stoops and picks them up again, shoving them back in her face)_ "…They smell good!"

_(Helen looks repulsed. Paris clears his throat awkwardly and throws the roses off to the side.)_

**Paris:** "I won't be discouraged by the look of… disgust on your face!" _(pulls out a piece of paper and reads from it, sounding completely forced and ridiculous)_ "Helen! You are beautiful! And I am sure that I love you! So sure, that I am ready to make this vow on humbled knee!" (he pauses, seems to think about it, and then drops onto one knee) "ON HUMBLED KNEE! I will provide for you…" _(sounding increasingly caveman-like) _"I WILL PROVIDE AND I LOVE YOU! AND YOU WILL KEEP MY HOME AND RAISE MY CHILDREN!" _(calming down) _"And I… will make you happy… if you will make me happy." _(holds out a ring)_ "I'm sure you know what this is…"

**Helen:** _(horrified)_ "Oh my ZEUS!"

**Paris: **"Marry me!"

**Helen:** "No! No, hell no!"

**Paris: **"What?!"

**Helen:** "Get away from me! You're a freak!"

**Paris:** "No, I'm not! I'm really nice!" _(desperately, he pulls a Heresy's Bar out of his pocket and throws it at her)_ "Here! Eat chocolate!"

_(Helen just stares at him, appalled.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Twelve

* * *

_(Setting: the armory. Paris is leaning against the wall, sobbing hysterically. The door opens and Hector steps inside.)_

**Hector: **"Umm… hey, Paris? Can the trainee soldiers come into the room yet?"

**Paris: **"No! I'm crying in here…!"

**Hector:** _(leaning out of the room)_ "No one can come in here yet. My brother is crying… um… it seems pretty serious. Maybe someone should call our mom…"

_(Paris nods to himself in the corner and goes on sobbing.)_

**Hector: **_(going to stand beside his brother)_ "Umm… should I guess that she said no?"

**Paris:** "Kind of, yeah." _(sobbing)_ "I can't DO this anymore!"

**Hector:** "No, Paris, don't say that! Can't is… a word for a man who has been beaten and broken. And that is NOT the man I see lying in a heap before me!"

**Paris: **"I just wanted her to like me! And she hates me! Everyone HATES me!"

**Hector: **_(awkwardly, trying to be comforting)_ "Paris, don't say that. I'm sure that someone out there still thinks you're… er… beautiful…"

**Paris:**_ (slowly, looking up) _"…You mean Mom?"

**Hector: **"No, _she_ doesn't think that…"

_(Paris resumes crying dramatically.)_

* * *

Act II, Scene Thirteen

* * *

_(Setting: Agamemnon's tent. There are various Greeks milling around, some speaking lolcats, others sane. Achilles walks in, carrying a magic eight ball. He is followed by Odysseus.)_

**Agamemnon: **"Huh. Weird."

**Achilles:** "What?"

**Agamemnon: **"Nothing, nothing. It's just that there's usually a sign when you're nearby. You know, all the water turned to blood, dogs forming into packs…"

**Achilles:** _(disdainfully)_ "…Clever." _(he gestures outside)_ "I'm sure you've noticed this… plague…"

**Agamemnon:** "I tried not to."

**Achilles: **"So, rugged Odysseus and I decided to find the cause of it…"

**Agamemnon:** "Aw. Your own little Mystery Inc.. How precious."

**Achilles: **_(increasingly annoyed)_ "SO, we sought out a wise oracle, and found… this." _(holds up the magic eight ball)_

**Agamemnon:** "…I'm not sure if you've noticed… _that's_ a magic eight ball."

**Achilles:** "Yes, but it is a _wise_ magic eight ball."

**Agamemnon:** "Look, don't you guys think that maybe we should stop relying on oracles so much? I mean, you remember what happened to Protesilaus?"

**Odysseus: **"Yeah, he died."

**Agamemnon:** "Yes, because you tricked him into fulfilling the prophecy!"

**Odysseus:** _(shrugs)_ "I would argue that it was because Hector hadn't had his coffee that morning, but sure, prophecy works, too."

**Achilles: **_(quickly) _"Magic eight ball says that the plague is because Apollo's really mad at us."

**Agamemnon:** "When is Apollo _not_ mad at us? And it does not say that!"

**Achilles: **"Yes, it does."

**Agamemnon: **"Oh really?" _(holds out his hand)_ "Show it to me, then."

**Achilles:**_ (turning away, holding the magic eight ball protectively) _"No! He doesn't want to talk to you."

**Agamemnon:** "…Uh-huh."

**Achilles: **"Magic eight ball _also_ says that Apollo is pissed off because you kidnapped the daughter of one of his priests."

**Agamemnon:** "I'm sure."

**Achilles:** "And the lolcats plague will only stop when you give her back."

_(Agamemnon stares at him wordlessly for a moment, then gets to his feet.)_

**Agamemnon: **"Okay. I'll make you a deal." _(laughs softly)_ "I'll give back the priest's daughter… if you give me Briseis."

**Achilles:** _(instantly serious) _"What?! NO! I'll never give her to you!"

**Agamemnon:** "You see my point? No one in his right mind is going to give up his girlfriend."

**Achilles:**_ (still thinks that this was a serious request) _"Damn you, Agamemnon! I won her fair and square! She is not yours! She will never be yours!" _(throws down the magic eight ball) _"For this insult, I'm DONE! I will never fight for you again! NEVER!"_ (he runs out of the tent)_

_(The Greeks all stare after him awkwardly, scared to say anything.)_

**Agamemnon: **"…" _(helplessly, looks at Odysseus)_ "I was _kidding_…"

**Odysseus:** "You should have probably said that… he has a problem with sarcasm…"

**Agamemnon: **"…Now what am I going to do?"

**Odysseus:** "Maybe you could apologize."

**Agamemnon: **"No, that's too easy…" _(he sighs, then finally goes to call out of the tent after Achilles) _"FINE! I don't need you! I can do this on my own! I'll show you – I don't need you! I don't need any of you!"

_(Taking this to be their cue, the Greeks shrug and begin to file out.)_

**Agamemnon:** _(quickly)_ "Wait, Greeks, I i_do/i_ need you…"

* * *

Act II, Scene Fourteen

* * *

_(Setting: Troy. Paris and Hector are sitting at a table. Paris is still in tears, while Hector just looks extremely tired.)_

**Paris: **"I just want her to LIKE ME!"

**Hector:** "Yeah, and people in Hell want ice cream." _(sighs) _"Speaking of which…" _(passes him a tub of ice cream) _"Here – eat more Rocky Road."

**Paris: **_(overly dramatic)_ "I feel like I'm going down a bit of a rocky road myself…" _(sobs)_

**Hector:** "Oh, gag me…"

**Paris:** "I'll just keep eating until I'm as fat as I am ugly… but it'll take forever…!"

**Hector:** "I don't believe we're even related…"

_(And, quite suddenly, Paris stops crying. Hector looks at him, surprised.)_

**Paris:** "…I just had a thought."

**Hector: **"Congratulations. I know how much those rare moments mean to you."

**Paris: **_(ignoring that)_ "Maybe the reason Helen didn't want to marry me… is that she thinks I'm not brave enough to be a good husband."

**Hector: **"Pretty sure that's only _one_ of _many_ reasons."

**Paris:** "Hah! I had the sequence of events wrong! I need to duel Menelaus, and THEN ask Helen to marry me! Why didn't I think of this before?!"

**Hector:** "You want an honest answer?"

**Paris:** _(still ignoring him)_ "This is perfect! All I have to do is send Menelaus a message, telling him I want to fight him… this could all be over by sunset!"

**Hector:** "You're determined to die young, huh?"

**Paris:** "This is brilliant! I'm a genius!"

**Hector:** "…You're a loony."

* * *

End of Act II


	3. Act III

Act III, Scene One

* * *

_(Setting: Achilles' tent. He is generally throwing a fit while Patrocles is awkwardly trying to be comforting. Odysseus sits in the background, looking a little confused.)_

**Achilles:** "It's not FAIR! Why does he get Briseis?! I'm prettier! I should get the cute girl! He's mean! And I want my MOM!"

**Patrocles:** "…"


End file.
